can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
