Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
