Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
