I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
