I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
