My room smells like vodka and shame
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
