I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
