I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so much tequila, so little girl.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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