I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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