He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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