I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize