Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
