Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
FUCK WHALES
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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