my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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