Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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