Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
