She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
