so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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