Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
