I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
