Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
