I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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