I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
