I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
