Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
