If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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