I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think my mom watched the whole time
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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