You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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