i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You ruined the universe
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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