in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
