I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
