When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
