I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
