i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
