Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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