Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
