i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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