He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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