Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize