i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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