i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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