I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
