you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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