In the future we'll all be gay
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
