Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
