I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
