The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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