Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
