Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yo dont text me then not text me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
