i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
