after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
