I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
as a side note pls kill me
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