She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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