the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't deserve a penis
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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