She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
