I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
