Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
