my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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