..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
