I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
